Speechless
by isabellacrm
Summary: Even though she looked different, the eyes were the same and I knew immediately where I'd seen my new hunting partner before. The girl moved her mouth to speak and I held my breath, mesmerized by those eyes and terrfied by the sound I was unsure I'd hear. The story starts in the end of Mockingjay, a little before the end
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"Peeta and I grow back together."

We learn to offer our ears and arms to each other's sweaty nightmares and tormented flashbacks and it's like we're back in the arena again, when they announced that the rules had changed and there could be two winners from the same district. That same surge of relief that swooped over me as I screamed his name comes to my rescue every night, as he embraces me and reminds me it's all over, fishing me out of dreams of lost children and bloody mutts. And I am finally able to reciprocate his attitudes with the same amount of kindness he offers me.

Well, almost the same. While I fully commit to aiding him during those tempestuous moments, offering him the same amount of compassion and care as he does me, I am still not able to say that I love him. I do, he is one of the few people I wholeheartedly care about left. But I do not and have not ever loved him as he loves me. In the romantic sort of way.

I cannot dig up any logical explanation for that other than that the romantic part of my existence has been completely erased from my body after so much horror. It must be this. I, Katniss Everdeen, am no longer capable of loving anyone, even the most deserving person, in a romantic way.

Although this is what would make the most sense, there is still a slight detail that keeps me from fully trusting this hypothesis. Gale.

Not the Gale from now. The old Gale. The Gale who managed to make me smile even though I rarely did. The Gale who was more like an extension of my own body than a hunting partner. The Gale who talked about running away into the woods and expressed a suppressed desire for children.

All that was before I had even been reaped, and yet I had not ever, even for half a second, had any romantic thoughts about me and him. He was also deserving, wasn't he? The boy every girl in the Seam desired. The handsome hunter and responsible head of his family. My best friend.

Maybe I just wasn't born romantic, then. Maybe I wasn't just practical in my day-to-day life, while hunting and taking care of the family. Romance wasn't practical, as I well knew. It made you vulnerable and dependent on something that could easily be taken away from you. Take my mother, for example, after my father died. She was everything _but_ practical, as she sunk into the depression that almost got me and Prim killed. I could never put myself in that position, could I? I knew better ever since I was a child.

"I think I got the ribbon right, Katniss," Peeta's voice startled me. He noticed and softly placed his hand over mine, "Did I scare you?"

"No," I said quietly and discreetly snatched my hand away. He hadn't. I just didn't like being caught thinking these things about him when all he gave me was kindness and true love. It felt like I was cheating, even though we had not taken our relationship back there again. Every time he tried inserting romance back between us, I fled, feeling even more guilty, if it was possible. Considering the dreadful tracker-jacker memories he had been given of me, it must have been quite a struggle for him to get back in love with me. And although it would be easy for me to let him kiss me when we embraced after a rough night, I did not.

"So, what do you think?" he smiled at me, proudly displaying his painting of Lady, Prim's goat, with a pink ribbon around her neck. It was for the memory book I was putting together and it was absolutely perfect, almost as if he'd met the goat before… before she and Prim were gone.

My teary eyes and warm embrace answered him and his smile got even bigger, if it was possible.

"Good," he said, "I want to make sure everything is perfect."

I know, Peeta. You will try and try and fight until you get it right. Me, on the other hand, will not even keep my face still when you try to kiss me, because as simple as it sounds, I can't do anything for anyone except myself.

"I'm going hunting," I announce as I stand up and move towards the door. Guilt is heavy on my shoulders and I turn back, trying to soften up my face, "But I loved the painting, Peeta. You got her just right."

He smiles at me again and I turn before guilt overpowers me again.

I kill one squirrel just so I don't come back empty handed. Peeta is not stupid. I could tell that his last smile was dimmer than the preceding ones. He knows me better than anyone else now and he can tell something is on my mind.

But what could I say to him? After all he's been through, I owe him now more than ever. The bread is nothing in comparison to this. But at the same time, I could not lie. I did once, and when we got out of that arena and he found out my kisses had just been strategies to keep us alive…

No, I will not think of that.

I am still learning how to handle myself again, I cannot afford to think for two. I will focus on my book. I will hunt. I will keep things between Peeta and I just the way they are until… Until when? He will never stop loving me and I will never be able to live without him here. We only have each other. The others that have returned to District 12 are simply familiar faces, but none of them have been my close friends even before any of this happened. And Haymitch, despite having been there for me (even if most of the times, drunk) all along, does not count. We tolerate each other and know what it's like to _be_ each other, but that is that and that has always been that.

Peeta is truly my only friend. I'd gladly live alongside of him forever as best friends, but I know it's now what he wants. He is not like me now and has never been. He has never seen love the way I have, in that cold and practical sense. In fact, while I have never felt that kind of love, he has felt it for me ever since we were kids. He depends on me, and I guess I do on him too, but less so.

Suddenly I feel wrong. Being here feels wrong. Even though these woods hold mostly good memories for me, from before the Hunger Games, I do not feel right standing here anymore. I came back to District 12 because it was my home and I thought I belonged here. I don't anymore. Hunting seems pointless, with no Prim and mother at home to feed. Feeding Peeta and Haymitch instead feels odd, since I never had to. Actually I still don't have to, us three being victors and having enough money to live with. Besides, there is Greasy Sae looking out for us, in case we forget to.

There is nothing here for me. I was wrong. I do not belong here anymore. Especially living in the Victor's Village. I had felt it the first time I moved here, but at the time I still had Prim and mother. Now that I am alone, now that everything that held me here and made it my home is gone or different. I realize there is no point in staying.

Feeling strangely detached, I make my way back home and make a point that Peeta sees the squirrel in my hand. He watches me intently, a strangely familiar look on his face. The same one he gave me in the train, after we won the Hunger Games and he realized I had been pretending all along.

"Peeta, I – "

"Save it," he snaps abruptly, his eyes falling to the ground and his face going hard, "I should have known better."

"But I –"

"Katniss, it's okay. I don't know why I was stupid enough to fall a second time. To think you would ever love me. I just…"

"I do love you!" I protest and strut over to where he is sitting so that he will face me, "But I just don't belong here anymore!" I explain everything about how I don't feel right here anymore, leaving out the parts involving him of course.

"So you're saying that this is not about me?" he narrows his eyes with a sarcastic tone to his voice, "That old 'it's not you, it's me' speech?"

"No," this time it's my eyes that are avoiding his, "but I don't see how that has to do with what I'm telling you now."

"It has everything to do with it," he sounds tired, "If you did love me, you wouldn't care that this doesn't feel like home. You would make it feel like home with me. That's how I feel, you know. I lost everything I had before here too."

It's true and I don't know what to say to that.

"Come with me," I say instead. What? Why? His eyes dart upwards to meet mine and the guilt is just unbearable. But what am I supposed to do? Leave him here with nothing but his flashbacks?

"Where… where would we go?" he asks quietly.

"The Capitol. We'd keep busy there." I haven't thought it out, but it's what makes sense to me now. He seems to weigh it in for a moment, and then lowers his eyes again,

"I don't know. It wouldn't make a difference. Here or there… you'd still feel the same."

Now I lose patience.

"Peeta, this is so unfair!" I let out, feeling my eyes teary with guilt and exasperation, "I try and I try and I do love you, but just because it's a different kind of love it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! I am sorry that it's not enough, I wish it was, but I can't change it and I won't lie to you and make things up!"

"It's not like you haven't made things up before," he regrets it the moment he says it. I can see shame and humiliation flooding his face. He feels it, but he wishes he hadn't admitted it. That he would be fine with me pretending to love him, rather than being declined but told the truth.

"Peeta.."

"I don't mean that," he blurts out and storms up out of the room, his face red. I hear him banging the front door and I watch him through the window make his way to his house for the first time in weeks. He had been sleeping with me for some time now and the house immediately feels even more unfamiliar as the silence creeps in.

I don't sleep all night, which definitely feels different, since I had been managing to sleep a few hours with his arms around me these past days. Instead, I make a few practical and short calls and arrange my departure, including Peeta in my plans just in case he decides to come. Then I pack my few possessions and his art material along with my precious memory book. Since it's nowhere close to dawn yet, I keep myself busy cleaning the house until I hear a knock on the door.

"Lover boy is breaking his entire house down and I thought I'd come over to check on you," Haymitch taunts me with alcohol on his breath as I open the front door.

I don't answer, but let him in. I head straight to the kitchen and bring out a bottle of white liquor and pour us both some.

"Just like old times," Haymitch smiles unpleasantly. Last time we drank together I wasn't feeling at my greatest either.

"I tried, Haymitch. But I can't lie to him," I say, feeling the liquid tear pieces of my throat away as it descends.

"Not saying you should."

We drink in silence and I feel glad I have him, despite my thoughts about him earlier. We are so much alike each other in some ways, we don't have to speak.

"What are you going to do? I heard you are headed to the Capitol," he says.

"I want to finish my book and publish it. I guess I'll start with that," I offer lamely. I have no clue what I'm doing.

"Sounds like a good plan," his voice is dripping of sarcasm.

I scowl at him until he chuckles and speaks again,

"Look, Paylor called me to invite me to come too. She thinks I'm the only one who can know some sense into you, which is not entirely untrue and we both know it. But I won't go."

"I wouldn't ask you to."

"I know. But I think you should be alone for a while. She said you told her Peeta is going too, but I just don't see how, considering –"

"I just said it in case he changed his mind," I explain and he nods in assent. He pours us some more liquor and continues, "In any case, Paylor and I both agreed you should keep busier than that meager plan of yours."

I open my mouth to protest in defense of my book and he lifts a finger and cuts me off,

"Not that the book is unimportant. It is probably going to be the most meaningful published text of this new era and all. But you and I both know you will not be content with working on it all day and I have a solution for that."

He goes on to explain about a new hunting squad the Capitol is putting together to collect different types of game that will be studied, catalogued and later on artificially manufactured in order to tend to the growing food demand. They plan on extending the Capitol's wealth and abundance to the rest of the districts and need to step up the food production. Why they hadn't done it yet is a mystery to me, but the idea sparks a bit of hope in my mind, both for the future of Panem and for me. I could picture myself doing that. Hunting not to feed others, as I have no one left to care for, but to end the widespread hunger and injustice I have battled with ever since I was born.

I immediately set down my liquor. No point in drinking now. I feel like part of me is back, an electric surge of hope pulsing in my veins. Haymitch smiles and mumbles something about checking on Peeta, and takes off with the rest of the bottle.

Dawn is beginning to peek through the night skies when I go out to the woods for one last time. My goodbye is quick and before I know it, I am boarding the hovercraft that has come for me.


	2. Chapter 2

It's quite impressive how the Capitol has been completely rebuilt already. Impressive, but not surprising, as it has always been Panem's priority state. However, Paylor's mark can already be seen in the remodeled buildings and streets. Where once there were lights and colors and bold abstract figures, now lie sober and functional, yet still expensive-looking, buildings. I guess that is the result of a government run by mixed characters. President Paylor, the hard, brave and realistic former leader of the rebels in District 8, and Plutarch Heavensbee, the sensationalist ex-Head Gamemaker and Capitol citizen through and through, and current Secretary of Communications.

I have been out of touch with government matters and plan to keep it this way. I've had my share of politics and despite this hunting squad prospective, I plan on steering clear of state affairs. I trust Paylor, I guess, but I will never allow myself to become a pawn on their hands again.

The hovercraft stills to a stop and a Peacekeeper ushers me towards the doow, where Paylor herself is waiting for me.

"Welcome back, Katniss," she smiles, her brown eyes still filled with that hard determination and her posture always radiating authority.

She takes me on a tour of the new Justice Building and explains how Plutarch was insistent about changing its name to Mockingjay Hall. As Secretary of Communications, he was afraid that the old name would conjure too many bad memories.

"But you know me, I am not one to worry about names and appearances while there is plenty of work to be done," she says, walking in that fast-paced way of hers, "It's still the Justice Building in my head."

And I couldn't agree more with her. I know the Mockingjay symbol had an important significance in the war, but after incarnating the character itself, I cannot bring myself to like it any longer.

Paylor doesn't let a second go to waste. The tour is quickly over and she informs me I will be taken to the hunt squad headquarters, which will be my new home.

"President, I –" I begin, but she corrects me,

"Call me Paylor."

"Paylor," I start again, "What am I supposed to tell people? I mean… Last they heard from me, I was a declared lunatic."

It had been the only way to gain absolution from my war crimes.

"You will find Plutarch has already taken care of that," she motions over to the car that has come to collect me and I find him inside, waving at me from the window.

I descend the steps in front of the Justice, oops, Mockingjay Hall, and enter the car next to him.

"Katniss, my dear," he exclaims in his affected Capitol voice, "How very pleased I am to see you again."

I nod just to show I am listening and he begins to explain my cover story. He touches a screen on the back of the seat in front of us and a video comes on, mostly depicting me in my "glorious" war moments as the martyred Mockingjay. Slowly the images shift to my assassination of former President Coin and the death of former President Snow. The camera zooms into my face, making me look like a confused and dangerous mental patient. The screen turns black and a voice (which I recognize as Ceaser Flickerman's, ex-commentator of the Hunger Games) explains how I've been put through intense medical and mental care and rehabilitated. Shots of me in the woods, back in District 12, and even at my home in the Victor's Village with Peeta compile to form a painting of the seemingly normal girl I used to be.

"You had been filming me all along?" I frown, a clear trace of annoyance in my voice.

"Not _all_ the time, just enough to get the right shots," Plutarch dismisses promptly and I know he is lying. Not surprising at all that they had camera crews on me all this time, but still irritating as hell.

Thankfully there is no made-up romance between Peeta and I, although Ceaser does mention it as he concludes the video,

"There is no doubt that Katniss Everdeen is ever so fit to lead another one of Panem's newly implemented hunt squads. Although she and Peeta will be at a distance for a while, I have no doubt that after his full recovery he will join us right here, at the Capitol."

Peeta would be outraged to see that they depicted him as still unrecovered, when he and I are basically the same now. But what worries me the most is the leading the hunt squad part.

"You're making me leader of the hunt squad?" I immediately ask Plutarch.

"Yes," he says carefully, "But don't worry, it is not what you think. Haymitch was adamant about giving you freedom to choose the tasks you like and we all know you are not the most… sociable person in Panem."

I keep my face clear and he continues,

"Right now our new Secretary of Development is forming teams to cover each District in search of food supplies we can catalogue to later on produce in our laboratories. I bet you can guess who the Secretary of Technology that runs them is," he attempts to extract some interest out of my blank face.

"Beetee," he smiles, after I don't answer.

"And the Secretary of Development?" I ask with narrowed eyes, half knowing the answer.

"Gale," he says quickly and proceeds with the explanation about the squads.

I feel completely odd knowing I will be working under Gale. Not because of our recent conflicts, though, but because I have always worked _with_ him, but under or above him. I can sense there will be trouble ahead, but decide to pay attention to Plutarch.

"You won't have to train or order anyone around, no," he says, "And you won't actually work in a group. You will work with only one partner. The only reason why you're being called a leader is because you will be on the first squad to explore the wilderness surrounding the Capitol, a region that has never been fully explored before."

First of all, I didn't even know that a place like the Capitol had wilderness left, under the heavy concrete and iron of the city. But more than that, I am pleasantly surprised they have not given me District 12, as would have been procedure. In Panem, it was a rule to keep to the district you were born in.

"We were originally going to assign you to your own district," it was almost as if he'd read my thoughts, "But it seemed pointless, as you were determined on leaving it behind, with your decision to come here."

I nodded in assent, feeling that for the first time, my opinions were being taken in consideration.

"You're not making Gale my partner, are you?" the idea crossed my mind immediately. It was the last thing I wanted, and the concession to my choice of leaving District 12 behind rose suspicion on me. Just because they granted me one 'privilege' it didn't mean they would be nice to me in everything else that followed.

"No," he laughed, "It wouldn't go nicely with your romance with Peeta, now, would it?"

I knew it. There they came to interfere in my personal life again.

"There is no romance between Peeta and I," I stated firmly, a scowl on my face.

"It was very clear on the video material we edited out," he admitted and looked out the window, visibly bothered. "But don't worry, I am formulating an approach to that, for when the public begins to ask."

"The public has nothing to do with my personal life," I snarled, "So when the time comes, this is exactly what you will tell them."

Just as he was about to reply, the car comes to a stop in front of another practical and expensive looking building. A Peacekeeper escorts me out and I have no choice but to leave that matter as it is with Plutarch.

I am taken to a small, clean, and minimalist room, where my belongings already await for me, unpacked and stored. There is a queen-sized bed, a nightstand, a small closet, a sealed window, and a bathroom, all done in white and tones of off-white. There is a small screen on one of the walls with what I guess are reminders and tasks for the day. My guess is confirmed as it beeps, announcing dinner in half an hour.

I take a quick shower and when I go dress I find uniforms in the drawers, along with the few items I brought. To my delight, they seem to have been inspired on my own "hunting uniform" back home: hunting boots made out of supple leather, trousers, shirt, and a jacket similar to the one I used, which had belonged to my father, but fitted to my body. I braid my hair as usual and head out for dinner.

The building is easy to walk around in and I quickly find a door marked as the cafeteria. To my surprise, I find Annie there, with her baby in her arms.

"Katniss!" she exclaims, joy emanating from her entire body,"I couldn't believe it when they told me you were coming!"

Motherhood has clearly done well for her. She doesn't stop gushing while she escorts me to the serving area and then sits next to me on one of the tables. She seems completely normal now, except for the clear obsession with her son, which is Finnick's spitting image.

"And have you been assigned your partner yet?" she asks, a smile always on her face.

"No," I tell her and quickly change the subject. I am not looking forward to being forced together with a random hunting partner. "What about you, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just helping around with the administration. I'm Effie Trinket's assistant, she is dying to get a hold of you!"

And just as she says her name, Effie appears behind me in one of the typically scandalous outfits,

"Katniss, how very glad I am to see you!" she kisses each of my cheeks and smiles.

I learn that she basically runs the hunt squad headquarters, with Annie's occasional help (as she spends most of the time tending to the baby). Posting the schedule on that screen in every hunter's room, making sure the equipment is ready wherever it is needed, looking out for the cafeteria, and (her favorite part) making sure that every hunter looks and acts his best whenever Plutarch comes with a video crew to shoot another promo.

We finish dinner and I am instructed to go back to my room because, as Effie says, "I have a big big big day ahead of me". I surprise myself with how polite and actually sociable I am managing to be, considering just a day ago I was a crazy recluse. I smile and even kiss Finnick's head (Annie's baby) before I close the door behind me, but the minute I enter my room and am face to face with the idea of sleeping alone, I freeze.

Panic seeps into me little by little as I lie down on my new bed, feeling more enclosed than ever. If only the window wasn't sealed... no, I guess it's better that way. Trapped, but safe. I manage to barely close my eyes and am not even sleeping yet when a flashback jolts me back awake. I do miss Peeta and the guilt overpowers me again as I realize how selfish it is, to only want him so that I can sleep.

I walk over to the screen, officially giving up on sleep, and look at what tomorrow holds for me. I learn that it is a touch screen with several saved information files I should read to keep informed about my missions. I spend the rest of the night doing so and make a mental note to beg Effie for sleeping pills when I next see her.


	3. Chapter 3

I know it's time to move to start my day because an alarm sounds from the screen a little before the sun rises. I head to the cafeteria and eat with Annie, baby Finnick and Effie. I pop the question about the pills and Effie's smile turns into an alarmed line,

"But I was told you were well already!" she lets out a hushed exclamation and I become aware that no one has told anyone anything yet again, and that all that she knows is what the video promo showed her.

"I am," I try to fix it, "but sometimes I can't sleep."

"Well, then maybe you should see Dr. Aurelius again," Annie expresses true concern for me and I immediately know I shouldn't have asked for the pills.

"No," I refuse, "I am well. It only happens sometimes."

"I'm afraid you'll only get them after you see a doctor, Katniss," Effie says, "Every hunter goes through a strict exam to be allowed into this academy, and they have to be in perfect physical condition to be here. They made an exception for you because it is clear to everyone that you are a good hunter, but if you are still not fully recov-"

"I am," I cut her off, feeling exasperated, "I think it was just excitement for today. That's why I couldn't sleep."

Effie's smile immediately returns and I know I'm not in any trouble… as long as I solve my sleeping problem quickly. I know I won't be any good hunting if I don't.

I notice now that I haven't paid much attention to the others here. I have to admit it reminds me of the Hunger Games a bit. Yes, the uniforms are made to resemble my own hunting gear back home, but now that I look closely, each one has a small marking of their district number on the right arm of their jackets. Also, I noticed there were two tributes – I mean _hunters_ – to each squad, the only difference was that they all looked like careers. Strong, trained and ready for the task at hand. Now I understand what Effie said about them having been rigorously examined before being picked.

We are all sent to an auditorium after breakfast, where I learn of my routine for the next weeks. We are supposed to alternate training and actually hunting. Training is periodic, seeing as the other squads have their own districts to tend to, and in it we learn conservation procedures for the animals we catch (so that we can bring them back fresh before they get sent to the labs) and study new hunting techniques. We are also supposed to do some physical training every day so that we keep in good shape, and this lasts for the first hour of the day, right before breakfast. On most days, we just hunt.

Today is training day. I watch a class about conservation procedures first and as soon as it starts, I know I've found a solution to my sleeping problem. Back in school I've had some trouble with paying attention to the boring classes because I'd constantly feel like my time would be more wisely spent if I'd been out hunting for my family. Right now, that same lack of focus and inability to sit up straight consume me and before I know it, I am resting my head upon my crossed arms and falling asleep.

"Hey," someone pokes me and I immediately sit back up straight, shooting an alarmed look to the front of the auditorium to see if the teacher has noticed. He hasn't.

"You shouldn't sleep in class, you know," a familiar face smiles at me, "We are supposed to be professional elite hunters."

"Johanna!" I whisper back surprised. Her hair is much longer since I've last seen her. The Capitol had tortured her and shaved it back when she was captured with Peeta. "I didn't know you were also in the hunt squad. Which district are you assigned to?"

"Don't get too excited," she laughs, "I'm not your hunting partner, although I know we'd work well together." We had trained together for the rebellion. She continues, "I'm assigned to my own district. Everyone is, except for you."

This time the teacher does throw us a nasty look for talking and so we stop. I'm sort of glad she is here, even though we were never best friends or anything of the sort. I guess sharing your morphling quota during rehabilitation creates a bigger bond that I'd have imagined.

I look around, trying to see more familiar faces, but can't find any. I can see by the numbers on people's jackets that most everyone seems to be seating next to their hunting partners already. I start to look around for the one partner-less person other than me, then, and quickly find a girl seating on the very first place in front of the teacher. I can only see the back of her head, but then she slightly raises an arm to run her fingers through her dark chestnut hair, and I can see she is marked with a C, for Capitol, as am I. At the same time I am curious, I immediately despise her.

What if I don't like her? What if we don't get along? What if she and I don't run on the same hunting rhythm? What if I can't trust her? I am a good enough hunter to do it alone, especially since I've been assigned to the Capitol. From what I've read last night on my room's screen, it doesn't have such a large wilderness area as District 12, although the vegetation and game around here are relatively similar. I decide to ask Johanna,

"Have you had a word with my hunting partner?" I nod forward in the girl's direction.

"Nope, everyone says she's a weirdo," she shakes her head, "Keeps to herself all the time and isn't exactly approachable. Besides, all I know is that she's from the Capitol, I wouldn't want to talk to these people anyway."

From the Capitol? In the hunting squad? What good could she possibly be, having been raised in all sorts of luxury and having everything handed to her like that? I hate whoever was responsible for this pairing, and when I remember it's probably Gale, I hate it even more. He of all people should know of my hunting partner standards. Maybe he's doing it on purpose, since he and I are not on good terms.

But I let that thought go. He would never do anything like that back then, so it's highly unlikely he'll do it now that he's Secretary of Development. He's the most responsible person I know. Still, I despise him for this.

After what feels like forever, the teacher dismisses us and I can't help shifting my eyes towards her again to get another look. I sure hope she isn't one of those surgically altered freaks with purple eyebrows and golden lips, like Effie and Caesar and those other Capitol citizens. I just catch a glimpse of her profile but Johanna starts pushing me to walk out faster and telling me she's starving. Maybe I've seen wrong, but she looked perfectly normal.

We have lunch, Johanna, Annie, baby Finnick and I, and even though both of them keep talking and telling me what's new in their lives, I can't focus. The girl has unsettled and annoyed me and I can't get my mind off of her. I keep trying to find her with my eyes but she is just like Johanna said – she keeps to herself and even at lunch time, is seated at the far end of the cafeteria, alone facing a wall.

In the afternoon we go to a place similar to where we trained on the days prior to the Hunger Games. I pick the bow and arrow of course, and am surprised when she approaches me.

"I had a feeling I'd find you in this station," she gives me a sly, sideways grin. Her voice is steady and confident and dripping with attitude, the opposite I'd have expected for someone as reserved. I turn to face her and as I do, I let the arrow I'm holding fall to the floor.

Even though she looks different, the eyes are the same and I immediately know where I'd seen my new hunting partner before. The girl moved her mouth to speak again and I hold my breath, mesmerized by those eyes and terrified by the voice I was unsure I'd hear.

_"I can't place a name or time to the girl's face. But I'm certain of it. The dark red hair, the striking features, the porcelain white skin. But even as I utter the words, I feel my insides contracting with anxiety and guilt at the sight of her, and while I can't pull it up, I know some bad memory is associated with her. The expression of terror that crosses her face only adds to my confusion and unease. She shakes her head in denial quickly and hurries away from the table."_

Her hair goes up to her breast and is no longer dark red, but a deep chestnut with only very slight hints of red. Her skin is not porcelain white, but healthily flushed and even a little tan. She has her jacket off and is wearing a tank top and I can see she is slender, but strong, with elegantly defined, but subtle muscles in her arms, nothing like I'd expect a spoiled Capitol girl to be. The only trace of the Capitol on her is the intricate and beautiful tattoo that covers her left upper arm up to her shoulder, and then disappears into her shirt. But what scares me the most and leaves me completely speechless, as I'd expect her to be, are her eyes.

I know for a fact that she was the Avox girl.

Gale and I had seen her being taken away by a hovercraft back in the woods of District 12, right after the boy that was with her was killed. Then, after I was chosen as tribute for the Hunger Games, I'd met her again right here in the Capitol and Peeta had made a point to cover up for me when I recognized her. We'd met yet again later and when I apologized for not saving her, she made gestures to tell me it was okay and that I'd just have ended up like her. Then, after we rescued Peeta after the Capitol captured him, he'd told us she'd been shocked to death right in front of him, along with Darius, one of our District's old peacekeepers.

I make to speak but the words escape my lips and she is the one to voice it,

"I'm Lavinia, your hunting partner. And yes, also the Avox girl."

I frown, puzzled, and stand there frozen, still completely horrified.

"Ex-Avox girl, I mean," she bends down to pick up the arrow I dropped and takes my bow. When her fingers touch my hand a chill runs down my spine. She shoots it directly on target.

"I asked Paylor to let me speak to you privately when we met," her playful grin is now gone and she is suddenly serious. "I know I have some explaining to do, but the others can't know. Will you take a walk with me?"

I just nod and she leads me out of the room, signaling to our supervisor. I follow her out towards the large outdoor training area, my limbs robotically trailing along.

"Will you relax?" she finally laughs as we arrive next to a small artificial pond. "I'm not dead and I'm no longer an Avox, see?" She sticks out her tongue teasingly. My eyes are still wide with a mixture of terror and doubt.

"I was never tortured or killed in front of Peeta. The Capitol had injected so much tracker-jacker venom in him that it was easy to fake or distort what was actually happening around him."

"And Darius?" I asked with a hint of hope in my voice. She shook her head,

"I was told he really was killed, unfortunately. They mixed real and unreal things when torturing them," her voice sounded serious and quiet now.

"But how come… I mean, you _were_ an Avox, weren't you? How…" I stuttered.

"Yes, I was," her tone was dark and somber, "but I was a spy. My brother and I lived a normal life by day, but by night were trained all in a secret rebel center right here in the Capitol, hidden from the government's eyes."

"To become Avoxes?" the idea seemed absurd to me.

"Yes. We were supposed to be rescued when rebellion broke, and by then we'd have a full report on many confidential matters of the government, and so it happened. This is how we managed to rescue Peeta and many of the other prisoners – because I knew where they were being kept."

"But your brother…" I still couldn't believe what she was telling me.

"He wasn't supposed to die," she cut me off belligerently and I knew she wouldn't talk about that. "Anyway, after I was rescued they had me fixed – my tongue, I mean. And now here I am, your new hunting partner."

We stood there, silent, looking at each other for a moment. She looked strong and hard, but I it in her eyes that there was more to her than that.

"You look different," I said, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, I was never a redhead," she snickered, "it was part of my cover, for the mission. Part of the personality I was trained to display in my 'normal' life. This, now, is the actual me."

She did look a million times tougher than the redheaded porcelain doll. The thought of her having gone through all that, the training, the body modifications, becoming an Avox, and who knows what else, scared me to death. All thoughts of her as the spoiled Capitol brat subsided.

"Don't look at me like that," she smiled softly and playfully hit my arm, "I'm okay! No one made me do all that, I chose it. I've been trained for it all my life. I'm okay."

"You _chose_ it?" I was yet again taken back, "Why?"

She looked aggressive again, like she had when I asked about her brother,

"I had my reasons. All you have to know is that no one made me do it. No one makes me do anything."

And at that she started walking back inside. I followed her without a word, snatching quick and discreet glances. She had my respect for sure, and I knew right then why Gale paired me with her.


	4. Chapter 4

We train together all afternoon, mostly in silence, and she really is quite good at almost everything. I feel bad for having misjudged her, but even worse for having such inferior skills than her in everything _but_ archery. She is good at it too, but I'm still quicker and more precise. It's the only thing that consoles me after watching her skills with traps, snares, knives, and the absolute worst for me – conservation techniques. Not paying attention in class had its price and I was useless at using the Capitol's fancy storage devices.

"Here," she laughs at me for the millionth time as I discard yet another damaged plastic bag. She takes the vacuum device from my hand (which I'm supposed to stick in the bag and suck out all the air and seal the trapped animal inside) and shows me again the right procedure. I'm not good with technology and it annoys me.

"Maybe tomorrow when we go hunting you can take care of the vacuuming and I'll do something else," I mutter.

"Right, and leave all the fun to you?" she snorts jokingly, giving me that sly smile she gives a lot.

I still don't know if I like her or if she terrifies me. Both, I guess. But one thing I can't deny is that she intrigues me profoundly, and even when I head back to my room to shower, she never for a second leaves my thoughts.

At dinner, I sit with Johanna, Annie and baby Finnick again. Johanna is visibly annoyed at Finnick's crying but Annie doesn't even notice. Effie also joins us a while later and doesn't stop talking about the great, great plans she has for us this week. Suddenly, Lavinia materializes beside me and sits down next to me.

I don't know why, but she makes me tense and self-conscious and I can't focus on anything she says, I just stare at her. I slowly notice she won't talk to the others, who are all very stunned by her presence, just to me.

"Um, hi?" Johanna scowls at her, "Care to introduce yourself at least?"

"Johanna, dear, that's not very polite," Effie cuts her off and veers a smile towards Lavinia, "Of course she will introduce herself, but seeing as we are all friends here and in larger number, good manners say that we are the ones who should introduce ourselves first, to make her feel comfortable."

She proceeds to introduce herself and then a very reluctant and ill-humored Johanna does so, followed by Annie, who makes Finnick wave at her. Lavinia has her twisted smile on her face, as if she's finding it all very entertaining. Then, filled with attitude, she says,

"I didn't introduce myself before because honestly, I don't care much to talk to you. But if you insist, I'm Lavinia."

Effie's mouth has formed a circle and she looks shocked beyond repair. Annie doesn't even hear her, as Finnick's crying sounds have become louder, and Johanna's face shifts into a smile as she says,

"I like this one," and throws her a wink. Lavinia gives her a seductive smile back and it makes me feel very warm all of a sudden, and also a little bothered for some reason.

Lavinia turns her attention back to me (she really _doesn't_ care about talking to them) and tells me she's off to her room to get some rest before tomorrow. As she is standing up, Effie, seemingly recovered from the shock, agrees with her,

"You all should go too. Especially you, Katniss, seeing as you didn't get any sleep last night. Let me know if you have any trouble tonight, I'll be more than glad to call Dr. Aurelius."

"That won't be necessary," I say quickly and frown and get up to take my tray to the disposal bin.

"You have trouble sleeping?" Lavinia asks after dumping her own tray after mine.

"No," I lie. She looks at me knowingly and I remember she probably knows I hadn't slept well either back in the Games, when she tended to my room.

"Okay, yes," I whisper angrily, "But you can't tell anyone or else they'll kick me out. I'm supposed to be 'fully recovered'," I quote the stupid promo.

"I won't," she says quietly as we walk back to the rooms. "I used to have it too, you know. After they 'rescued' me. Couldn't stand to sleep alone. Had nightmares for weeks."

"What did you do?" I ask.

"Did anything I could _not_ to sleep alone, if you know what I mean," she winked mischievously.

I felt my cheeks flush and was a bit uncomfortable. Immediately I remembered what Peeta said about everyone teasing me for being so pure and blushed even more.

"I'm kidding!" she laughs, "Well, not really. But I mean, it did help, having someone there with me. Even though it was futile and stupid, it felt good having someone, anyone, lying there next to me. Warm. Human. Not alone, even if I didn't even know the person."

"That's what it felt like with Peeta," I murmured quietly and immediately regretted it. I wasn't supposed to have said this out loud.

"Right," she snickered, "I was sort of expecting the boyfriend to have come with you. Where is he anyway?"

"He is not my boyfriend!" I raised my voice, "That's what they wanted everyone to think and that's what he sometimes thought, or at least wished to be true. And that's exactly why he's not here."

I quickened my pace furiously, intensely annoyed at her.

"Whoa, calm down," she jogged over to catch up with me, a hint of her trademark smile on her face. "I never did believe that crap."

I shoot her a heated look but we leave it at that. We have arrived at our rooms already, coincidentally right next to each other.

"Do you think I could… Or you could… sleep with me tonight?" I ask timidly, facing the floor, my cheeks still flushed from the argument.

"Sure," she says after a pause, observing me with a curious face, her smile still on.

She goes into her own room to get ready for sleep and I go to mine and wait for her. My heart is pounding and I think it's at the thought of sharing a bed with someone I just met. So unlike me to ask this sort of thing, yet sort of comforting right now. I sort of regret asking her this. I'm not sure if it will help me sleep, the way it's making me nervous right now.

The only thing I'm sure of is why I trust her. I'm not one to trust people this easily. I'm not one to make friends. But I've never met anyone quite like her, so… so much like me.

I hear a knock on my door and rush to answer it. She is wearing a plain white tank top and soft brown pants and holds her pillow under one arm. Her hair is pulled back into a loose bun. I signal to the bed. It isn't as large as the one the Capitol had given me prior to the Hunger Games, or as my old one in the Victor's Village, but it fits two people snugly.

"You look tense. Are you sure this will _help_ you sleep?" she gives me one of her smiles after sitting down cross-legged on the bed. I sit next to her and pretend to fluff my pillow.

"I'm not tense," I say, looking her in the eye as to sound more confident. I quickly avert my eyes and get under the covers, "Well, goodnight."

She lets out a little suppressed laugh and rolls her eyes before getting under the covers too.

"What?" I ask a bit annoyed.

"You are _not_ tense at all," she teases, before flicking the light off.

"Well, I'm just not as used to sleeping with strangers as you," I retort defensively and she snickers. After a pause I ask, "Weren't you scared of getting pregnant?"

She flicks the lights back on and props herself up on one elbow and looks at me with a half-curious, half-teasing look,

"I forgot the other Districts don't have preservatives. That must suck!"

"Preservatives?"

"Yes," she laughs, "Ways to have sex without, you know, getting pregnant."

I frown,

"Why would you do it then, if not for that?"

Lavinia raises an eyebrow and appears shocked. I am confused.

"You mean you… You've never done it before?" she asks in blatant disbelief.

"No!" I quickly deny, "Of course not!"

She breaks into a long laugh and I feel tempted to kick her out and tell her I'd rather not sleep than be mocked like this, but then she stops and apologizes. She keeps observing me for a second more, and then asks,

"So you think people only do it to get pregnant?"

"No, but that is one of the main purposes, right?"

"Oh, how you're missing out," she smiles mischievously. She sits up and continues, "It can feel pretty good."

"I know," I feel my face on fire and for some reason want to appear less naïve than she's making me look, "But I guess only you Capitol people have that sole concern about feeling good. The rest of us have bigger preoccupations in mind, like worrying about another mouth to feed in case we do get pregnant."

That silences her and she appears thoughtful, instead of angry and hostile, like I expected.

"Katniss, may I ask you something personal?" her voice is softer now. I nod. "Have you never… felt things? You know… wanted someone so badly you just needed to get… closer?"

I can't help but giggle like a little girl. She laughs at me.

"It can feel pretty good, though," she repeats, her sly smile on, "and you _can_ have sex without getting pregnant in other ways."

"Like?"

She is silent and looks away, a teasing look still on her face.

"I think I've shocked you enough for today," she laughs, "Good night."

I can't help but laugh as she turns the lights back off, but even though I'm too shy to ask, I do feel very curious.


End file.
